Love, Military, and Hawaii

Quiet ramblings about living the life of a military wife in Hawaii. So different from all I ever dreamed of, yet, fulfills all the dreams I could reach for...

Name:
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii, United States

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Sometimes It Takes a Minute to Reflect

As I sit here in my pajamas at 11:00 am, I realize that there are so many things that I have not actually taken the time to reflect on. So, I turned the television off, I sat here, and I just thought. I thought about everything. About friends, about family, about life, about marriage, about having a family, about God, about learning to just be. So, here are some of my reflections:

About Friends:

This one is a hard reflection for me. I have many old friends, and I have had the blessing of making many new friends. Yet, somehow, in the midst of all the time passed, I am not sure that I know where the old ones end and the new ones start.
** When I lived in Las Vegas, most of my friends were RIGHT THERE. No matter where I looked, there was always someone there to go to lunch with, dinner with, shopping with. I had friends at school, I had friends at work, I just had friends. Some of those friends I just KNEW would never go away, would always keep in touch, would always tell me everything.
** Now, I live in Honolulu, I have met some AMAZING people. People I have realized that love me more than I am sometimes able to admit. People that I love more than I tell them. Most importantly... I have friends who have introduced me to my VERY best friend, JESUS CHRIST. But more about that later.
** So, here I sit, not sure where my loyalties should lie. Or if I even have to chose. Yet, some of the old friends are no where to be found, friends I once was sure that would never go away. And, even more so, some of my new friends I KNOW will always be my friends in Christ, and OH MY GOODNESS, what an amazing thought!

About Family:

Just for starters.... I have double the family I had a year ago. Which means, I have double the love! I also have realized that I had a lot of reflection to do about half of my own family.
** All my life I have wondered "who are my grandparents on my dad's side? What about uncle, aunts, cousins?" I am currently 24 years old, and in that amount of time, I have seen my dad's father 3 times, his brothers 1 time, his sister never, my cousins, some never, others twice. Just recently this part of my family blamed my sister and I for things that were out of our control. It made me realize that I made the right decision 7 months ago. I made the right decision longer ago than that.... I have a wonderful, loving family, without that part of my family.
** I am lucky to have in-laws that are amazing! I feel over-flowed by the love that I have recieved from them! Wow!!!!

About Marriage:

I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I met the one that I know I will always be with, until the end of time. It may be hard to be alone when he is gone, but the time I get with him, makes me forget the time that I was without. He is my perfection.

About Having a Family:

Brandon and I have hit a few walls on our voyage to starting a family. Some have been very emotional, others have made us realize how important we are to each other. We both want a family, but we both have given it to God. When it is meant to happen, it will. Until then, we will have fun trying :)

About God:

This might be the most important part of my reflection.
** All my life I have "believed" in God, in Jesus Christ. I was brought up that way. Once I got older my belief was shaken. I was sure that there was no such thing as "believing" in something that I could not understand. I crawled back to a form of belief, which I am truly thankful for, because it brought me "back to life". Yet, I felt less fulfilled compared to when I was younger and just believed "because my mommy told me to".
** I moved to Hawaii because I got married. I was more than convinced that I would find no friends. I was destined to be alone when Brandon left for deployment. Then, my eyes were pryed open. I learned to get down on my knees. I prayed daily for strength that I knew I had to find. I prayed for help. I knew that if there was a time that I had to "believe" that it was now. I knew that Brandon was a little shaken from his faith as well. He never told me as much, I could just feel it. We "talked" about going back to a church, went once, and decided it wasn't time for us to be there. We listened to family tell us that we needed to find our "place", but we just.... didn't. Then, in an answer to my prayers, friend were literally "thrust" in front of me. I was offered more from people that I knew less than my next door neighbor (and I only knew him well enough to wave hello). Not only was offered "safety" but I was offered a "home" when I felt as though there was no "home" for me. Back to my knees I went. I prayed more and more everyday. "Thank you!" I would scream. "You answered my prayers! Why?!?!?!" I wanted to know why. I wanted to know why after so long of feeling that too many prayers were being ignored. I have an answer now: BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO COME BACK HOME TO HIM, WITH MY HUSBAND TOO. I took the time of "safety" that I was offered and grew more in my own faith, more in my own understanding, so that I could help bring Brandon there too. Now, both Brandon and I are talking about being baptized into the Christian faith. We are reading the Bible each night together. I still pray alone, waiting for the time to suggest that we need to pray together. We will get there..... I am so FULL. I have not only found JESUS CHRISt for me, but helped Brandon too!

This is a VERY long post.... more to relfect on later.

Thank you to everyone who has been an old friend, a new friend, and a forever friend in CHRIST!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

FRUSTRATED!!!!!

Ugh!! I am not too sure even how to start this blog.... but I guess I will just use it as a venting post:

I am so frustrated with the Navy. They set a schedule, they tell all the sailors, and consequently the sailors' families, and they prepare for such a schedule. Whatever that preparation may be, it is important for the family to feel as though they get the chance to actually say "good-bye" to those that are the leaving the family unit. Then, the Navy, for no real reason, they change the schedule, make it MUCH earlier, tell them the day before, the sailors are not prepared, and again, consequently, neither are the sailors' families. I am frustrated because it is happening now.... I did not get the chance to say good-bye, and I am not even sure if I will get that chance!!!!! Instead, I get to sit here and be alone with no job yet, for the next several weeks. It is REALLY hard!

Let's see, I am also frustrated because I thought for sure that this whole "going out to sea" thing would get easier... it's not! I wish that it was, but it just isn't. I still feel just as alone, just as scared, and just as sad, as I did the first time the boat went out to sea.

Another thing.... I am trying really hard to get a job as a substitute teacher here in Hawaii. It is not as easy as I had hoped that it would be. The first step of this process is to make sure that I talk to the principal of the school I was to be "preferred" at. I am trying!!! I have tried all of this week, as the last two days of last week.... but, it just isn't happening like I had hoped. So, insterad, I have to WAIT! Waiting is hard.... really, really hard. I wish that I just had it all lined up already, but I don't. I am sitting here with no job, a dog, and a husband that is out to sea.

I wish that I did not feel so frustrated! I do though, and there is no way that I can stop it. Pray for me.... pray that the Brandon's boat stick to their original schedule. Pray that the families get the days that they were promised!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Alone. Scared. Sad.

There comes a time in everyone's life that we have to "grow up". For some people that time comes sooner than it does for others. I used to think that I grew up too young. I was in an abusive situation, I had to find the courage to get out, I did, and then I had to "grow up" and take responsibility for the actions that took place. Yet, somehow, I think that I took the time that I "grew up" and am trying to make up for it now. I have taken so many actions that indicate that I have grown up. Let's look at the facts and figures:

THINGS I HAVE DONE TO "GROW UP"
* Move into an apartment with some friends
* Have a long distance relationship
* Bought my own car
* Have a full time job
* Go to school full time
* Get married
* Move to Hawaii with my husband
* Get a dog

THINGS THAT MEAN I AM NOT "GROWN UP"
* When my husband goes out to sea I have not yet been "alone"
* Have "moved" in with some friends when Brandon left for 25 days
* Still feel dread at sleeping alone in my bed
* Don't have a job


Overall, I feel like some of the things that I thought showed that I had "grown up" were really just things that made people think that I had.

I want to know how people learn to be alone. I mean, I know that I am not the only wife in the world who is at home while her husband is delpoyed. In fact, I know that there are many who have a much longer road ahead of them then I do right now. Yet, here I sit, I feel completely alone and scared. I should be able to know without a doubt that I am going to be all right... yet, I sit and feel like I have impending doom waiting for me. Right now as it stands I have about 219 hours left before Brandon will be home. If I do the math then that means that I will sleep for about 8 hours a night for 9 nights, which constitutes about 72 hours of sleeping time. So, all together, the amount of alone time I will have will be 219-72= 142 hours. Of course, that is right now. Every sixty minutes that number goes down.

I do not know how to be alone. I am not sure how to fill the hours. I sit here and wonder how much TV I can watch, how many pages I can read, how many movies I can watch. In the down time, all I can think to do is cry.

So, as the hours start to dwindle, I can't wait until the hours are only double digits and then single digits. For now, I will check my email as often as I can, watch as much TV I can until there is nothing left to watch, read some pages of my book until all the pages are done, and maybe watch a few movies until my eyes close for bedtime.

If anyone is out there, call me anytime, I would appreciate the distraction.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

King Kong: King Size Disappointment?

I posted this blog on My Space, but thought that I would post it here too!

So, here it is 4:24 am and the little bundle of joy named Frank that Brandon and I just got has decided that it was time to gwt up, or at least for me to. He sleeps in our room in his kennel and when he has to go out he usually just whines and we take him out, he comes back and goes back to sleep. Tonight, I think that he just did not want to be in his kennel. I brought him downstairs, and what is he doing? That's right, SLEEPING!! I would take him upstairs, but this gives me an opportunity to write about one of the biggest disappointments I can remember this year.... King Kong the movie.

The commercials make it seem like it is going to be a great movie for both men and women, claiming that it is a "love story" or "heartbreaking". Not o mention that most of the people that had seen it before said that it was awesome! or maybe fantastic! So, I was actually quite eager to go and see King Kong when Brandon suggested it. I had no idea what I was in for....

To start, the movie had pretty poor acting. I mean, overall there was very little dialogue, and what there was, was nothing to be proud of. It took almost an hour and half before anyone even gets to the island that holds Kong. This easily could have been done in, what, like 30 minutes? Once they got to the island it took another 30 mintutes before even showing Kong on the screen. Come on, 2 whole hours wasted before the "star" of the movie is even introduced?

Maybe I do not know the story of King Kong very well, but is there supposed to be more time spent on the scenes with dinosaurs then with Kong? I personally think that the dinosaurs made the movie less entertaining than any other aspect of the movie, other than it's length.

By the time Kong got to New York it took ANOTHER hour before the movie was over! With the acting as poor as it was and the time that it took to get to that point in the movie I was actually cheering for the planes to hurry up and shoot Kong off the Empire State Building. There was no heartbreak, only joy when it was over and I could start walking to mycar. The "love story" was for about 4 minutes of the entire movie, that is not enough time to feel sorry for any of the characters.

The only redeeming thing about the movie was that over all the visual effects were kind of "cool"

So many things about this movie really "erked" me. If someone else tells me that they think the movie was awsome! I will ask them what they were dreaming about, because certianly they must have been sleeping during the movie.

Maybe there are many people who will disagree with me, and we are all entitled to our opinion. My opinion is that King Kong was a Kong size disappointment.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Official New Member... and new Dog Mother


On july 2nd, 2005, I got to marry my best friend Brandon. I got him a really kick-ass grill for his wedding present. He said, "I am going to get you a dog when we get home (aka Hawaii)) We get to Hawaii and find out that our roommnate is allergicc to dogs. So.... my wedding present is put on hold until firther notice. After, I cannot even remember, about 4 months, we finally get the call from Navy housing that we are going to get a house on base. We jumped for joy, were a little disappointed, had family over, and then, Brandon said "We need to get you a dog"!

I jumped up and down!! A Great Dane! I screamed. Well, Brandon brought me back down and reminded me that we have quite a small back yard, not to mention, not a whole lot of room in our house. Ooooohhhhh allllll riiiiiiiiight, I whine, we can go and look for something smaller. We went to the Humane society first. Every dog that I loved there had heartworms, not a cool disease, a lot like cancer, and most dogs die from the treatment. I shed a few tears, and we went to a pet store. At the pet store, I fell in love with e few dogs, and much to my disappointment found out that they were all WAY too expensive. For a beagle they were asking $1700!! Not gonna happen, not anytime in my lifetime.

I came home, feeling totally sad and down in the dumps. Never fear, I think, I can look online at some classifieds! We called, all the dogs were gone already!! I kept right on clicking my mouse, and kept right on looking convinced that I would find "my" dog. FINALLY!!! I say a cut little face looking up from one page. It said, "we are moving to a place that cannot have dogs. We are asking $500" I wrote her an email with a prayer in my heart, hoping that the little guy was still there. On Christmas Eve, I opened my email, and there it was!! The email that would decide if I would have a dog anytime soon. Sure enough, the dog was still there and we could go and visit.

I walk through the door and see red fur flying right at me!! He jumped in my lap and even peed on my leg. He licked my face, and then went onto Brandon and licked his face too!! I was sold. We took him home. Brandon and I are officially "parents".

It has been a bumpy road. He is not quite housebroken, but almost. He won't sleep through the night. In fact, we don't usually get to sleep ourselved until about 12 am, waiting for little Frank to finally fall asleep. We love him though, and we know that he is still just a puppy. We are just waiting!!!

Along with parents, Frank is also lucky enough to have 3 aunts, 2 doggie aunts, and some grandparents that love him. He officially loves them all!!!

So, CaraMac, Frank wants to know, "will you please be my Dog mother? I can think of no one else I would rather have! bark!! whine!! Please?!"

Saturday, November 26, 2005

A Love Like This Love

Someone wise once said "fish and house-guests stink after three days." Hmmm... I wonder who said that and whether or not they have ever had house-guests like mine. In my house for the last week, I have had the pleasure of Dan and Noel, my in laws, and Cara, my sister-in-law. I cannot say that it has all been peaches and roses, but I can admit that it has been super nice to be in the company of such a wonderful family.

This past week I have learned how to make drapes for my kitchen and my living room. Well, maybe I didn't learn myself, but I did certainly have the opportunity to ask my mother-in-law to help me out. I also did actually learn how to make a turkey for Thanksgiving. I hosted my very first Thanksgiving as a married woman. It was nice. I was yummy. All went home full and merry. I got be "Santa" for the first time at a Christmas. Yes, we had Christmas early so that Brandon's parents and sister could participate with us for part of the holidays. It was so nice. I really enjoyed the time that I got to pass out presents and open some of my own. It was great.

Today I got to go to the craft fair with my sister-in-law. It was fun. She bought some eclectic silverware earings and I got to buy some Christmas decorations. It was great fun to "weave" up and down the rows at the craft fair.

It is amazing to have a love like this love. I feel overwhelmed with the love that I feel not only from my husband, but from his family as well. It has been wonderful and fulfilling!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Is It Time...

As Brandon and I step into the actual married shoes, we have found so many things that we have to consider...

Is it time to get a kitchen table? We have a beautiful card table that will uncomfortably sit 4 people around it. It wobbles when we try to eat on it. Is it time? Yeah, I think that it probably is.

Is it time to start investing in decorating stuff? The answer is yes. I don't really need to explain do I? Brandon and andy lived in this house for a year without a woman being present. Can we say, um, gross? No, seriously, most women would be quite startled to see what I saw the first couple of weeks. I know Brandon will be heart broken but there will be no bed sheets as curtains in our new home.

Is it time that the "being married" brick hits me in the head? The other day, a few days before Brandon got home, I had a break down. Not a few tears, but an out and out breakdown, all day. It was like I was detached from my body feeling things for the first time. I AM MARRIED! Crazy.... I think I know now though. It is real. I am a wife. SCREAM!

Is it time to start a family? Only God can answer this question. But, we will find out when it is time.